Repentence on Aisle 4
This week I got to hang out with a friend who is working through paying off devastating debt. Another who's going through divorce. And a new friend who just went through a miscarriage.
What do we do with suffering, stress or challenges?
This question is at the root of all faith traditions, cults, self help books (and even reality tv shows: "more fame, money or romance will take away the existential suffering!").
We all have a framework(s) for making sense of life, especially the difficult parts of it. Our frameworks were often duct-taped together in our adolescence - a mixture of what our caretakers modeled + what culture/movies/religion taught us + how our personalities coped with situations, etc.
But there are some big frameworks/models that most of us have been shaped by. Some of the main ones that have shaped our history and our current culture:
The Western Moralistic Model: You are sinful. You need punishment and/or penance.
The Eastern Enlightenment Model: You are sleeping. You need to rid yourself of illusions and wake up to true reality.
The Therapeutic Model: You are sick. You need treatment for your condition or disease.
The New Age Model: You are spiritual. You need to raise your frequency to attract better things into your life.
(*These are overly reductionistic, but simplicity can often help us see things more clearly.)
I think these all have part of the truth. And are useful in certain contexts or for seasons of our life.
I'm less interested in debating which framework is more right or wrong, and more interested in becoming aware of how our model shapes our approach to life.
Because how we make sense of life shapes how we respond to it. If we are looking through the lens of one of these frameworks, we will understand and respond in particular ways. The ability to notice our framework and evaluate if it's helpful or not is a mark of wisdom.
Our frameworks are often automatic and invisible to us. And while it's helpful to become aware of the ways we processes things, it can also be confronting. And make you question how sane you are.
Like, I recently realized that I am routinely stressed when I'm at the grocery store with my wife. Because she's ALWAYS. IN. THE. WAY. Not in my way - but in the way of everyone else. Why is she not constantly scanning to see if anyone else is inconvenienced by her presence? Doesn't every decent person worry about accidentally grazing the shoulder of a fellow shopper??
My response to her standing in the middle of aisle 4 while others try to squeeze their shopping carts around her: Western Morality. She's being sinful/wrong and needs to be punished and repent! So I work in subtle jeering comments about how that poor old lady waited a whole 20 seconds to get past my wife who was deciphering if her coupon applied to this particular bag of chips.
And then: repentance and forgiveness. And when she doesn't voluntarily try to make things right, I start apologizing to the other shoppers. Loud enough that my wife can hear me (more shame/punishment for her).
Becoming aware of the frameworks we are bringing to our life can be... eye opening. Apparently I see taking "too long" in the checkout line as a sin deserving of confession and penitence.
When facing a hard situation, how do you respond? What does that indicate about the way you are making sense of the situation? Do you beat up yourself (or others) for being broken and wrong and try to repent (moralistic)? Or do seek treatment for the way you are"sick" (therapeutic)? Or try to raise your vibration to attract more positive things (New Age)?
We tend to have a dominant framework we lean on to help us make sense of life and especially suffering. What is your dominant framework? What ways has it helped you navigate life? What situations is it not helpful right now?
I don’t think there’s correct or incorrect frameworks. But it seems that the more aware and agile we are with the ways we can make sense of our situations, the more access we have to responding with agency. And a sense of agency is one of the precursors to peace and joy.
So, I’m working on consciously responding to my wife’s egregious shopping style with other frameworks. (Like, maybe it’s a disorder and she needs therapy :)
Next week, I'll share another framework - my current "favorite" framework - that I'm experimenting with in my own life. Until then, try reflecting on these questions about your frameworks:
How do I try to make sense of suffering, stress or challenges?
What framework do I tend to apply to myself? Is that the same one I apply to others?
How has this framework/understanding helped me? Are there any ways it's not helpful?
Let me know if anything interesting comes up for you!
