The Goal is Not the Goal
A couple weeks ago at the dinner table, Ash snapped at me. And she almost never snaps. (The Church will one day recognize her as a Saint - even though she doesn't recognize the Church :)
I wasn't saying anything. I wasn't even doing anything.
And that was her point.
She could tell I was distant. Lost in my mind, in the future and in my stress.
At first, I was defensive: "I was listening to what you were saying! You were telling me about the documentary you watched about a dentist..." (That's true. And I think I should be considered for Saint-hood for having to listen to her lengthy summaries of the worst documentaries.)
But she was right. As of late, I had fallen into a familiar pattern: getting lost in my goals/plans/action steps as a way to cope with stress.
I don't recommend this pattern. I give it 2 out of 5 stars.
Because while it is a vicious cycle (feel stress -> focus more on goals -> feel more stressed by goals -> and around and around...) I do prefer it to some other patterns I've dabbled in. Like: "Ignore the problem altogether!" Or "Let's see if I'm still stressed after 3 drinks!"
I give those a 1 or 1.5 out of 5 stars, depending on the bartender.
I apologized to Ash after dinner while we washed the dishes. "You're right. I need to get this under control."
I'm pleased to say that two days later she said (unprompted): "You've been different. You seem happier."
I was. And I have been.
And I'm here to dole out the enlightened secrets of happiness that I have recently mastered. (Until the next nasty bout of stress inevitably humbles me again...)
The Subtle Shift
A key idea in most happiness theories is that we are happiest when we are progressing towards our goals. When we find ourselves in an environment of growth.
Therefore, we are often told to "create goals and go after them!"
And I don't have to be told twice. I love goals. I have an 8-foot wide chalkboard in my office where I write my goals so I can stare at them when I need a little hit.
But there is a shift that nearly always happens with my goals. It's subtle. But it changes everything. Including how I listen to my wife describe dental documentaries.
For me, the shift usually happens soon after the initial excitement of the goal has waned. Slowly, then all at once, the goal that was a source of energy and enthusiasm becomes a source of stress.
I need to make this happen.
Why is this so hard?
Why am I not there yet?
I have so far to go!
Ugh, this is monotony... When will it end?
I set a goal with joy and excitement, and then it turns on me. It's like I pick a milestone in the distance to focus on, and then the milestone mockingly laughs at me with every step I try to take. My inspirational chalkboard becomes an eyesore.
The joy of advancing toward my desired destination becomes a stressing and a straining toward what I lack and must obtain.
My Goal-den Rule
The more I have become aware of this goal-shifting pattern, the more I have landed on my Goal-den Rule ( hate the pun, not the punner).
My Goal-den Rule: The goal is not the goal. The goal is to become who you want to be.
The purpose of the goal is not to achieve the goal itself, but to create a context where I can become the person I want to be.
A goal can create a context for me to be more intentional, light-hearted, creative... whatever I want to be more of. The right goal can challenge my False Self and create the conditions for my True Self to emerge.
For example: my goal of earning more $$ per month while working fewer hours could create the context for me to: 1) check in and out of work more fully, and 2) be more present with my family when not working, and 3) enjoy the game of building a profitable business that truly serves my ideal clients.
Orrrrrr I could fixate on the goal, stressing and strategizing over how I must. make it. happen. now.
When attaining the goal becomes the primary focus, the joy of becoming goes out the window and is replaced by the heaviness of lack. "Why am I not there yet!?"
What was a source of fun and growth becomes a constant reminder of what I'm falling short of. What I need in order to be happy.
That's when I often buy into a silly brand of logic: "Sure, pursuing this goal is turning me into a curmudgeon, but once I actually achieve the goal I'll be a joyful and pleasant person again!"
Yeah... that's how it works...
What breaks your bones
The answer is not to toss out goals. That would be like trying to play a game that has no rules.
Instead, I have to remember my Goal-den Rule. The goal is not the goal! The purpose of the goal is to help me become who I want to be.
There is a lightness and fun to using a goal to shape my soul/spirit/character into who I want to be.
There is a heaviness and stress to pursuing a goal out of lack, need and identity.
As The Fray once sang (on a song I listened to only because we were on such a long road trip that we had reached "The Fray" section of the drive):
What breaks your bones
Is not the load you're carryin'
What breaks you down
Is all in how you carry it
Or a Jewish man once said, "Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you."
You can use the goal, or the goal can use you.
For me, there is a trust that is required here. Can I trust that becoming the person I want to be is more than enough? Can I trust that being is more rewarding than having? (And being that person may even help me reach my goals with more ease!)
If I can trust that, then maybe I can relax and shift my focus from needing-to-get-there to enjoying-who-I-am-becoming-right-here.
Like becoming the kind of person who relishes my wife's detailed re-tellings of investigative documentaries. Because that guy knows how to be present to anything :)
BENEDICTION: May you set goals - big hairy audacious goals! May you create the ideal context and conditions for you to become the person you want to be. May you notice when you are holding your goals with an energy of lack, need or self-flagellation. May you use your goals and not let them use you. And may you remember that the real joy is in the becoming.
