How to Approach Life

You have an orientation towards life.

The orientation you live from can either be working for you or against you. Your orientation colors your decisions, emotions, ideas, fears, desires. Choosing the right orientation can unlock your energy, motivation, creativity and more.

There are two orientations you can live from: an avoid-orientation or an approach-orientation.

All of us have a mix of both avoid and approach-orientations - we want to avoid certain things and approach others.  But there tends to be one that is your dominant orientation.  From the moment you wake up, you (usually subconsciously) embody the energy of avoiding or approaching.  You might be living life more on your heels, trying to avoid bad things from happening.  Or more on your toes, moving towards the things you want.

Neither are inherently good or bad.  It's about choosing the helpful orientation for the context.

Choosing the Helpful Orientation

Being motivated by avoidance is helpful in some contexts.  You want to avoid unnecessary pain or injury.  You want to avoid letting your young child walk out into the road.  Avoiding pain is very motivating and can spur you into quick, decisive action.

But an avoidance-orientation comes with a cost - anxiety, stress, cortisol.  It can helpful for specific moments but harmful as a default orientation towards life.

You can get stuck living from an avoid-orientation, always aiming to avoid negative outcomes.  I want to avoid my energy being depleted.  I want to avoid the disappointment of not reaching my goals. I want to avoid being an asshole like my old boss. 

This can be especially true if you've had one or more pivotal experiences that made you say, "I will never let that happen again."  Or "I never want to be like that person."

Living from an avoid-orientation will take toll on you. You’ll find yourself overly anxious, overly stressed, overly taxed.  It will lead you to shrink back from life.

An approach-orientation is a more helpful way to live long-term.  It's energizing, sustainably motivating, aids in creativity, and creates a sense of meaning. Approach is about finding what you are pursuing, moving towards, wanting more of.

Approach doesn't necessarily mean "excitement" - at least not all the time.  Excitement is great, but like anxiety it's not the most sustainable motivation.  Sometimes approach can be exciting.  I'm so excited to start this new business!  And sometimes the approach-orientation creates grit or consistency or productively navigating frustration.  I'm slowly growing my business, even though this season is challenging.

An approach orientation is about focusing on / being motivated by something you are moving towards, not just something you are moving away from.

Your orientation affects you deeply - from your thoughts and attitude, to your feelings and mood, to your hormones and chemicals.

There is a world of difference between I want to loose weight so I no one makes fun of me. vs. I want to loose weight to feel healthy and energized. 

There is a world of difference between the child who is motivated to get better grades so that they don't disappoint their parents (avoid) vs. the child who wants better grades so that they can feel a sense of accomplishment or get into the college of their dreams (approach).

It affects you all the way down to your hormones, your sympathetic vs parasympathetic systems, and your cellular health.

Shifting from an avoid orientation to an approach orientation can quickly change your life - your energy, outlook, enthusiasm, ideas, creativity.  And it can happen fast.  Here's how.

First, Say Thank You

Start by noticing what orientation you tend to live from.  Throughout today, notice what is behind your thoughts or actions.  Why am I thinking about this?  What am I trying to accomplish?  Am I trying to avoid something?  Or approach something?  What is that thing?

It's okay - even necessary - to have an avoid orientation for certain moments.  But when you notice a pattern of avoidance, sit with it for a bit.  Where is this avoidance coming from?  Is it the most helpful orientation?  What is it doing to your energy, feelings, thoughts?

Most of the time, it's appropriate to affirm the avoid motivation.  Yes, I definitely don't want to become overwhelmed and depleted of energy!  Affirm it!  You have been avoiding it for good reason and it's helpful to acknowledge that you want to continue to avoid that outcome.

Affirming the avoidance motivation can help calm the part of us that says, "Hey! This is what is keeping us safe!  We need to be on alert at all times about this otherwise bad things will happen!"  That part of us holds part of the truth - we do want to avoid certain things.  And it's best met with compassion and gratitude.  Thanks for helping me avoid that!

But it's not where we want to live from as our default orientation.  For that, we want to turn to approach.

Shifting Gears

When you notice and affirm the ways you are living from an avoid-orientation, ask how you can shift to an approach-orientation.  Find the approach compliment to what you have been avoiding.

I'm avoiding getting into more debt might become: I'm creating security and wealth.

I'm avoiding being drained of energy might become: I'm choosing to throw myself fully into these two things in life right now.

I'm avoiding setting goals for my business because I don't want to be disappointed if it doesn't grow might become: I'm practicing connecting every day with the people I want to serve because I love and value it!

Notice that shifting to an approach-orientation might not mean simply flipping the script. It means finding the thing that is meaningful to you that you want to move towards.

I don’t want to be overweight might not become: I want to be trim. That may not be what is most motivating and sustaining for you . It may be something like: I enjoy eating and moving my body in enjoyable ways every day.

Often, the most helpful approach-orientation comes from process goals over outcome goals. Choose the process or practice you want to approach, not just an outcome you want to happen.

A Meaningful Life

Living from avoidance causes us to shrink back.  It produces an anxious state of being.

Living from approach leads us to take creative and productive action.  It produces curiosity, optimism and growth.

Maybe most importantly, an approach-orientation is critical for living a life of meaning.  Meaning comes from the sense that things are going somewhere - things are moving forward towards a better future.  We can feel a sense of meaninglessness when life feels like it's not going anywhere - if it feels like tomorrow will just be another repeat of today.  Meaning and significance arise when we are participating in things moving forward.  Towards more growth, joy, justice or connection.

What is the appropriate orientation for your goals?  What ways are you living from avoidance?  How can you shift your avoid orientation towards an approach orientation?

May you not shrink back from life but have the courage to move towards what you want most. May you not live from avoidance and anxiety but operate from a place of creativity, growth and approach. And may you feel a deep sense of meaning from participating in creating a more beautiful life and world.